Here are some jokes that I have run across or sent to me by friends.
If you have a good joke please
Jokes - Guarranteed to make you smile :-)
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day, the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later, the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
A Real Cowboy?
An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK,OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?
Everybody Knows Bubba
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you ! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just luck. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton", his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubt to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope", his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
The Wyoming, Colorado and Idaho State Departments of Fish and Wildlife are advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while near bear habitat. They advise that people wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
The Farmer & The City Boy
A farmer was tending his flock in a remote pasture when a brand-new Jeep Cherokee pulled up and stopped. The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses, leaned out of the window and asked the farmer, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The farmer looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."
The young man whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to the NASA website on the Internet where he called up a satellite imaging page, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 15-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned to the farmer and said... "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Amazing! That's correct!" said the farmer. "As I agreed, you can take one of my sheep". He watched the young man make a selection and take it to his Cherokee. When he was finished the farmer said... "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answered the young man. "You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the farmer. "That's correct!", said the young man. "How did you guess that?"
"Easy" answered the farmer. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for information I already knew. And, you don't know squat about my business because you just took my dog."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
Ponderables (Things that make you go "hummmm") ;^ \
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. Shouldn't a butterfly be called a flutterby?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Nothing is foolproof. Fools are so creative!
32. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
33. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
34. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
37. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
38. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
39. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
40. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
41. Would you trust a Psycho-Therapist? What about one that wasn't psycho?
42. Love is blind - Marriage is an eye-opener!
43. (Favorite bumper sticker) Since I gave up hope I feel much better.
44. There is no problem that cannot be solved with the right application of high explosives...... ;^ )
45. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
46. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rino? elephino
47. I'm never wrong - I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.
48. What if the universe isn't expanding - we're just getting smaller?
49. "My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."
50. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
51. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
52. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
53. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
54. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
55. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
56. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
57. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
58. When all else fails, read the instructions.
THINK ABOUT THESE NUMBERS
Number of physicians in the U.S........................................700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year................120,000
Accidental deaths per physician..............................................0.171 (17 percent)
Number of gun owners in the U.S..................................80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups)......1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner....................................0.0000188 (Thats less than 2/1000 of a percent)
Ratio 0.171 / 0.00001875 = 9,120
These statistics show that doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
(Originally taken from the Benton County News Tribune on the 17 November, 1999.)
I'm not sure if this is ponderable or just plain scary!
The Current World population is
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This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school for moving violation offenders.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding:
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
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